


NY man (gets stabbed), takes nap in library

by Thestarswillburn



Series: NY man "yeets" death, goes on and marries Japanese beauty. [1]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Bad At Titles, I'm Sorry, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love, M/M, Pain, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 19:49:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17628584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thestarswillburn/pseuds/Thestarswillburn
Summary: Repeated pain and misery and hope and it all finally stumbles into a forgettable crescendo.Can love lie and still be absolved of sin, when a merciless creator gazes at you and laughs laughs laughs at your misery?





	NY man (gets stabbed), takes nap in library

**Author's Note:**

> Mind yourselves I wrote this in one sitting and have no valid proof readers (cause apparently they were too sad to give accurate feedback, meh) so yeah.  
> Alternative tittle: "I'm making banana fish worse"  
> Please leave comments, I'm desperate.
> 
> Edit: last tittle was lame, click bait tittles are so much more fun (prev tittle: " these words haunt me"

 It's painful. Even though he already knew, even if he'd already made his peace with it, in a way, it's worse. He understood, he always understood that he could not have happiness. Perhaps it was the way he was made, if there was a God up there, they had decided the moment Ash was born, that he should end in misery. Pain. And it hurt, it hurt a lot.

  
 It wasn't as much the wound that was painful. Yes it hurt, he got stabbed in his gut and was bleeding out in a library chair, for crying out loud. It was the fact that he had almost proven them wrong. Everyone who had hurt him, discarded him, cursed him from the moment of his birth, cause even after everything, after all his been through he was still there, he was alive, still standing, and maybe most important he had people who genuinely cared about him, who loved him. And he pushed them away.

 He's pretty good at that, denying himself happiness. To scared to acknowledge it, keen on pushing it with every inch of his being. Screaming and kicking, cause no one deserved to suffer his pitiful self. It wouldn't be fair, he was far to damaged and there was no way out for him. 

 Eiji would never really understand. Never really comprehend the mess that was Ash Lynx. The scared child who just wanted his brother back and resived anything but that. Received punishment for some unknown hubris to some unnamed cruel God. He didn't deserve him. He had already decided already made up his mind to spare him any more grievances. Eiji had already been hurt enough because of him. He almost died, and Ash nearly lost himself dreading it. He didn't want that night at the hospital to be the last time.

 He wanted to keep their promise, go to Japan, go to Eiji. He could spent his entire life eating tasteless "healthy" food, if it meant Eiji would be the one making it for him. But he couldn't, couldn't be rash, couldn't be childish, selfish. He couldn't risk it. And as they say, if you love something, let it go. Ash wouldn't be selfish.  
 

 But he wanted to. So so much, he wanted to, go say Goodbye to Eiji in person, hug him, be selfish and tell him not to go, not to go anywhere without him. And even though he knew, he knew he shouldn't, wasn't allowed, didn't deserve to, he was going to.

 Consequences be dammed, if Eiji wanted him to go with him, if that letter was-. He had the ticked, he could make it, he would make it. He'd chased his happiness away countless times before, cause it wasn't right, he didn't deserve it, it wasn't for him. But this time, this time he was actually going to fight. Fight for his own selfish desires. He was going to make this right. Cause maybe he didn't deserve it, he probably didn't, but damn it all, he wanted it, so so bad.

 And then God laughted at him. The cruel deity saw his desire, saw his conviction, and he laughed and laughed. God saw him trying and proclaimed he would not. Ash was bleeding, the heartless God kept laughing and Eiji—his important person, his Eiji—would never know.

 Will he be mad at him? Will he hate him for it? For making him a liar, for breaking his promise, for never seeing him again? Could Eiji really hate him—it was already well established that hating him was no hard task—despise him, scorn him...No. He wouldn't. He would be hurt, betrayed, definitely angry—his brows would scrunch up and his lips would pout and he'll look more cute that anything. He hates that he'll miss this. He hates that he'll miss everything—but Eiji could never hate him, just like Ash could never hate Eiji.  
 

 God this really wasn't fair. He felt like crying, screaming, punch and kick and just yell into the sky, to the cruel God that forsook him whywhywhywhywhywhy!? Why him? Why this? Why? Why didn't he deserve any sympathy? Why didn't he deserve happiness? Why did everything have to happen to him? Why even though he'd suffered, hurt, broke, why couldn't he just get one lucky ray of sunshine at the end? 

 What was so unforgivably wrong with him? What was it that attracted his missery like moths were attracted to light?

 Maybe this was God answering him after all. Hearing his prayer to spare Eiji and take him, cruel enough to ignore his every plea before and after. Just one chance, one prayer, one desperate plea. It's funny even in his benevolence God is still cruel.

 He is tired. Maybe if he sleeps, he'll wake to find out it has all been a dream? He'll wake and Eiji will scold him for falling asleep while studying his Japanese. He'd try to make a snarcky comment, but Eiji would sass him right back—there was an abnormal amound of sass in him for his size— and he'd end up more flustered than what he'd hoped to achieve. They'd go for hotdogs, cause they aren't in Japan yet and there's no way Ash is gonna miss out on the miracle that are hotdogs while he still has the chance—although if giving up hotdogs for Eiji's tasteless cooking is what it would take to let him stay by his side, he would do so without hesitation—.

 Wishful thinking and delaying the inevitable. There are no more excuses to make, no more cards left to play. This is game over, fin, the end. He should've listened to Sing, cause right now there is nothing he wishes for more than the chance to say Goodbye to Eiji. Hug him, hold him near him, so close he can feel his pulse, the heat of his body, the way his shoulders lift when he breaths. Say goodbye tell him how grateful he is for meeting him, for having him in his life. He wants to apologize, for putting him in danger, dragging him into the mess that is his life—Eiji will definitely yell at him if he says that. Even that would be a blessing— for betraying him. 

 He is sorry. Sorry they won't meet again, sorry he can't be with him, sorry for being such an insufferable brat, for not listening. Cause he thought he was sparing him, saving him, by staying away, but if he hadn't maybe now he would be sitting in a plane, next to Eiji instead of here. And he wants that more than he'd ever wanted anything, but life isn't fair, especially to him.

 He's too tired to throw a fit, he doesn't want to yell at God any longer. It won't matter either way. He won't listen to him and he is too tired to fight it. God won't listen to him and he can't even keep his head up. It's pathetic, and painful, and utterly unfair. He thinks of asking for a reason, but its pointless if there's no one to listen to his complaint.

 It's enough, he can't fight. He won't fight it. He can acknowledge when he is overpowered. There's no point in trying to resist. Besides he is so tired. No one would blame him if he just went to sleep. He has already done so much, been through so much. It's enough isn't it. He doesn't have to keep trying, no one will blame him, no one will care. 

 Then why does he feel like he's betraying them. Letting everyone down. All the people that have cared about him, will they be disappointed? It's alright, they'll forget about him soon enough, it won't last long, it's ok.  
They'll forget him. They'll forget him and they won't hurt anymore. Eiji will forget him. He'll forget him and move on. As if Ash never was a part of his life, as if he never exited. He wants to wish that but it hurts too much. It's painful to think about his most important person, his friend, his–. Would it be too selfish of him if he prayed, that at least Eiji—his Eiji—not forget about him? He promised after all, didn't he? That's they'll be together, that hell always be with him. It's selfish and petty and cruel but he doesn't want to let go.

 No, cruel God, no you can't have this.

 Please, please, this isn't fair. He doesn't want to sleep, doesn't want to let go, doesn't want to be forgotten, he doesn't want to die, he doesn't want to. He's being childish—it's not fair, as if the universe would care about something as insignificant as fairness — but he IS a child. He never really got to be, his childhood ended to early, but he is he is HE IS and it's unfair.

 It's not fair, yet no one cares. No one ever asked him what he wanted why would they start now? No one listened to him when he was little "No. Stop. No!" Just did as they pleased. It's always been about someone else's actions, someone else's pleasure someone else's wishes. Never his. Nothing is ever his.

 It's no surprise his body would also stop listening to him. His eyelids are so so heave, and his head feels so fuzzy and light. How can his head feel this light but everything else so heavy? Is this normal? Even when he lays his head down it still doesn't help. What does he have to do? What is it everyone wants from him? He's tired. He's had enough.

 There's nothing more to do, think say—no not that, there are a lot of things he wants to say, but he'll never get to, so what's the point? — there's no point. He can't delay any longer with wishful thinking, regrets and what ifs, it's not possible. No one is strong enough to really trick death, not even him.

 He never imagine how hard it would be. When he carelessly uttered those words the night all hell broke lose, the night he almost lost everything. How hard it will really be when he has no choice, when he is forced to mean it. When he's tried everything and failed and is denied a choice.

Sa-yo-u-na-ra Eiji.

He tried, he really did.

**Author's Note:**

> I like my angst ambiguous enough to pretend everything is actually ok in the end.  
> Yeah so like. I originally started writing another piece currently titled as "I'm fixing banana fish" and basically it was supposed to explain how Ash actually survives and moves to Japan with Eiji and they're happy. Buuut the angst is strong in me and this happened.  
> (To be honest, this piece and my unfinished piece actually can be tied together?? I noticed that when rereading them and yeah. So if I do finish it there might be a happy ending).


End file.
